American Balls

(Italics means in Japanese)

"Hi... hey, hi."
This was coming from a random Japanese guy that started walking backwards in front of me as I walked down the aisles of my school festival. I was a little hesitant because I didn't think I knew the guy, but its sometimes so hard for me to remember faces in this country.

Me: "Um, hi?"

RJP (Random Japanese Person): "How are you?"

Me: "Ok..."

RJP: "Do you want to try my food?"

Me: "Ah... uh, no thanks."

See, here's how things go. In Japan, its very common for people to hawk their stuff at you. Standing in doorways yelling at you to come eat at their place, or just bellowing out for all to know what they are selling. This is no different at school festivals where club members turn into shop keepers for little booths that line the streets of the school. This guy, however, decided to take a more direct approach with the matter of street-side selling, kicking in with his Japanese High School English. Cause as everyone knows... if I'm not Japanese then I must be able to speak English, right?

RJP: "Please? They are super popular in America."

Me: "Really?"

RJP: "Ya, they are American Balls!."

At this point, I was floored. This isn't something one normally hears while walking down the street, especially in Japan. I took a look where the guy was pointing and, sure enough, there was a huge sign featuring bright colors, glitter, and, in the middle, huge katakana letters spelling out American Balls. It was obvious that some girls from whatever club this guy was supporting had spent alot of time decorating this potentially offensive sign.

Me: "Wha... what?"

RJP: "Ya, they are really popular in America, please buy them!"

Me: "But... after I go to the event.

RJP: "Please 100 yen each!" ($1)

Me: "Later..."

Besides the obvious mistaken innuendo behind "American Balls," I really wasn't surprised to have some random Japanese guy come up to me and start speaking English. In fact, it happens way to much for my liking. The day of the school festival was pretty bad in particular... as all these guys selling stuff think that if they say a handful of basic English words at me, that I'll instantly be persuaded to come to them because I don't have to worry about the horrors of trying to speak Japanese at a different shop.

When I got to Japan, I really wasn't insulted much by bits of English here and there, but its gotton to the point now that I just want to ignore them if they do. I'm here to learn Japanese, and I already do know some Japanese... but I can't prove this unless they speak to me in Japanese. If I wanted to have baby-English talked to me all the time, I woulda just taken a job at a pre-school or something in the states, not fly across the world and blowing my life savings in the process.

There's a few exceptions to all this. If its obvious I don't know a certain vocabulary that someone used when speaking Japanese, or they are asking for information from me, English is totally fine. But when I don't even have a chance to enter into a normal discussion because I'm seen as the outcast that doesn't understand anything from the start... then I get a little perturbed.

For example...
My host-mother (here by referred to as Okaasan), loves to show off her new American. Whenever we get a chance, she will tell everyone every embarrassing detail about me that she knows. Parties usually evolve this activity for an hour at least. When walking around shops and places where their are alot of people, Okaasan will also use as much English as she can when talking to me (which is only about a couple dozen words) to show off to those around her and seem "international."

Last week the host family and I went out for dinner. We sit down at the bar with the cooks right in front of us and Okaasan instantly starts in her English routine, which is usually so bad that I would have understood it alot earlier if she had just used Japanese."

Okaasan: "What... do you want.... to... eat?"

Me: "What?"

Okaasan: "What, food?"

Me: "Ah....what food is here." With me pointing at the Kanji menu that I couldn't read.

With that, the chef steps in, but the damage had already been done. Oblivious to any Japanese I had used, and registering only the English Okaasan was using, he takes it upon himself to introduce the menu.

Chef: "Jah - pa - neese Pan - ke- ki!" (Japanese Pancake)

At this point I just wanted to bash my head against the bar. I knew damned well that there is no "Japanese Pancake" restaurants in Japan. Here I am, trying to find out what food they are serving, and all I can get out of the staff is "Japanese Pancake." The word I was looking for was Okonomiyaki (click for picture) by the way.

Coincidently, this was also at the first time that I found out I knew enough Japanese to let someone know that I'm not particularly happy with them as I kinda set into Okaasan at that point.

Me: "Okaasan... this is Japan. You are Japanese, you speak Japanese. If I wanted to speak English, I can live in America. Now, everyone thinks I only speak English. Now what is the food called?"

I was honestly quite impressed with my ability to convey how I felt to her at the time. I don't think she spoke another word of English to the the whole night. I didn't say anything in a manner that was inappropriate, just was clearing up some things.

But honestly, I should have known in the long run I couldn't win this game. Its just not on home turf you know. Cause now to get back at me she ask me questions in Japanese that she knows I'll not understand when we are in a group of people. The only way I got to combat her is a keen sense of knowing if I should say yes or no, and a great performance act making it seem like I understood everything. But its really a war I'm bound to eventually loose due to collateral damage.

I did get one bit of payback upon Japanese society though. As I was putting my shoes on to leave a Yakiniku restaurant (and honestly, the fact that my family takes me to Yakiniku makes everything worth it), the waiter comes up to me and starts the usual routine.

Waiter: "Hi!"

Me: "Hi..."

Waiter: "Where are you from?"

Me: "Texas."

Waiter: "Ah, I've been to New York."

At this point I was trying to leave the restaurant but the guy was following me. So I kinda ended it unintentionally in a way I couldn't have been happier with. In an utterance that I swear sounded as if I I've been speaking Japanese since the day I was born, I told him, "Ah...I've never gone there."

The waiter was so dumbstruck by me speaking in Japanese that he just kinda stared at me for a second before giving a small wave and walking away. It really made my day, even if it made my jerk-factor alot higher.

On my behalf, I have to say I'm most always polite, even though I find it kinda annoying that Japanese people don't even try to speak Japanese to me most of the time. It's just my personal mission now to make Japanese people understand that foreigners aren't in Japan just to practice your English on. I swear one day I'm gonna tell one of them, "I'm Russian and don't know English, in fact I hate those American-Dogs and English makes me very angry!" (Proceed to destroy Japan)